by Syerah

Two of my closest friends (who also happen to be two of the nicest people I know) are getting married this weekend.  Sal is South Asian and Sophie is French Canadian. They're having two wedding ceremonies! A church wedding in Montreal and a hindu wedding in Toronto.  I'm excited because I will be participating in both celebrations. But, what really excites me is that I will be witnessing the union of two individuals who are from very diverse backgrounds, traditions and cultural heritage and yet they are SO right for each other.

Inter Racial relationships are getting more common and also more acceptable. In 2002, when I found myself on an intersection where I was single again, the question was who is my ideal match? and where would I look?

Over the years, I found myself repeatedly asking myself this one question: What is my comfort zone?  Who am I looking for? (ok, that makes it two questions, haha, but you get the drift!).  And I was never able to come up with a consistent answer to those questions.  The answers have been changing.  Well, until now, that is.  I think I've finally figured it out. 

Without delving too much into the process, I would like to share my conclusion (as at the time of writing this blog) on what I consider to be my comfort zone and who, I consider, to be a good match.  This is by no means an assertion of absolute wisdom.  It was a very personal enquiry and so naturally these conclusions are also very personal.  There really can't be a "one size fits all" solution to such enquiries. Indeed it's possible (although I think unlikely) that my own thoughts on this subject too may change.

What's also interesting is that I came to these conclusions through a process of elimination. Over the years, I have wrestled with the notion of dating outside my race or outside the faith in which I was raised.  I started with what I considered my "must haves" and then through various dating interactions, observations and self awareness mechanisms filtered them out until I could filter no more.  What I was left with - THOSE are my "must-haves" and the scenario that it creates - THAT is my comfort zone.

It's not about religion.  I'm born into a muslim family and raised as an Ismaili.  I'm religous (in that I believe in a divine power) but I don't really subscribe to any kind of organized faith regime.  I am equally comfortable in a mosque as I am in any house of worship.  My relationship with God is a very personal one.  One that is not dictated by prescribed languages, verses, postures, rituals or offerings.  So it's important for me to be with someone who can be humbled by a beautiful sunset or sunrise, the innocence of a child, and by all of nature's splendour and see God's creation in all of that.

It's not about being desi.  I'm a proud south asian.  I was born and raised in India where I lived for the first two decades of my life.  There are aspects of my culture that are very important to me.  But, I've realized I don't necessarily need to be with someone who is also from that part of the world so long as my partner shares a healthy curiosity about my heritage.

It's about communication.  This is key.  If I cannot communicate with my partner then it's a deal breaker. Communication occurs at many levels.  It's intellectual. It's emotional. It's sometime through the spoken word and often through non-verbal dialogue. It's about knowing when to assert yourself and knowing when to concede. It's about maintaining your sense of self without letting your ego get in the way.

It's about laughter.  Laughing together at something or laughing at yourself or each other. 

It's about sharing:  Common interests, core values and a sense of purpose.

It's about living life.  A refusal to go through the motions of existence on auto pilot.  To always crave new experiences. To approach life with a sense of adventure.

It's about chemistry. That "hard to define" and sometimes elusive sense of love, affection and attraction that gushes into you when you see someone.  The smile that can transform your darkest moments.

It's about mutual respect, to give and receive with joy, to be together and yet value personal space.

I see Sal and Sophie.  And their relationship has all that.  There are many more things that make them so perfect for each other but these are the indicators I see the most.  It makes me smile.  They are so much in love, always so comfortable around each other.

I'm so happy for them.  And I'm happy for myself because seeing them together validates my theory on what I consider to be my own comfort zone.

What's your comfort zone? :)